I’m going to share something super personal in hopes it will help even one person.
When we were foster parents we had bonded with a baby for 8 months.
We were at the point where we would have done almost anything for him. He was deeply loved by our whole family array…grandparents, friends and all.
We had sacrificed so much for this sweet little boy, taking turns pacing the floors all night for months as he withdrew from the drugs torturing his system. Even our 11 year old begged to take his turn.
This baby had our hearts.
The Scariest Phone Call Ever
One day while he was napping and the rest of our kids were at school, I was blindsided by a phone call from our case worker robotically informing me that an Aunt had come forward and I should prepare myself for the baby to be removed from our home in a matter of weeks.
I was shocked and felt suddenly numb and lightheaded. I remember asking her what were the chances that this would actually happen.
She said, “99%”. It’s was the birth mother’s sister and she was capable and married with a stable income. I hung up and stared into space.
After wandering into my living room and laying flat on the couch, unconscious tears began to stream onto the pillow under me.
Grieving in Secret
My husband and I decided we would not tell the kids or any family or friends until we were closer to the date and 100% sure he was leaving us.
Why rob them of their joy during the little time they had left with him. We knew our kids would grieve this like a death. We were already grieving it like a death and it hadn’t even happened yet.
We couldn’t bring ourselves to tell any family or friends. We just couldn’t deal with their grief on top of our own at the time. There was simply no emotional reserve left to be able to handle anyone else’s reaction.
That night we didn’t talk much, just cried together in bed. I cried myself to sleep.
The next week was a blur. It was painful to hold him and feed him and try to act normal and giggle with him etc. He was the sweetest thing that had ever happened to our family.
I found myself wishing naptime would last longer and wishing they would just come and take him and get it over with.
I wasn’t coping well at all. The anticipation of having to say goodbye to a piece of my heart was literally tearing me apart. I had to hold things in until I was either in the shower or the kids were all at school and the baby was asleep.
The Most Healing Phone Call
I was crying on my couch when I saw a call coming in from my sister-in-law. Everything in me wanted to let it go to voicemail. I was tired of pretending. I let it ring for a long time. Something kept telling me to pick up though, so finally I took a deep breath and answered. I’m a great actor and made my voice sound totally normal and even cheerful.
After some small talk, she said she had something on her mind that she’d been excited to share with me. She and I often shared deep thoughts and spiritual impressions so this was not surprising.
I was relieved to be able to continue secretly crying while she did all the talking. By the end of the call though, I was a different person.
The Lesson that Changed Me
She told me she had been reading the Bible story of the Israelites when manna was sent from heaven. Moses told them to gather and eat what they needed each day but never to store any for the next day. If if they did this, it would go bad, stink and be filled with worms.
Some disobeyed that council and tried to store some for the following day. True to the warning, whatever they stored rotted and filled with worms.
My sister-in-law told me she felt this was a lesson on trust. Trusting God to provide for us. Not being afraid of tomorrow. Sometimes we try to manage things we’re afraid might or might not happen, just in case God doesn’t show up.
She said God will not provide help or comfort for a problem that doesn’t exist yet. He is the God of the present. He knows the past and future- but for us, he ONLY works on a daily basis. This is how we develop faith in Him.
He said, “Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof.” In other words, there is enough complexity and hardship to overcome in the day we are in, without dreading and begging for comfort for the sorrows of days that don’t yet exist.
Somehow it all came together for me as she spoke. I understood finally the part of the Lord’s prayer which says, “Give us this day, our daily bread”. I needed to trust that manna would be there when I needed it. I needed to enjoy my little baby boy THAT day and trust that God would somehow get me through a future painful day. But comfort and reassurance for an imaginary day would not be granted.
My misery and pleading and anxiety was “damning” my ability to have the full flow of His love and peace in my present life. In short. It turns out I wasn’t exercising faith. I was eating worms.
I’m sure the Israelites were shocked and relieved to receive manna from heaven. For me, this was a bible story from Heaven.
I got on my knees and said a different kind of prayer. I asked God to be with me, to help me truly enjoy and appreciate the sweet bread of life He was offering me TODAY. I asked Him to help me to stay in the day and “take no though for the morrow”. I remembered his plea to his disciples just before He died to “Be of Good Cheer”.
I could hear the baby fussing. I got right up and took him from his crib and let my love for him flow. He deserved that just like I deserved God’s flow of love in my life. This baby didn’t deserve to feel emotionally abandoned by me while sensing my fear and grief.
I made a pact with God that day that I would not let the little time I had left with my baby to be wasted with fear, heartbreak, and anxiety. I hadn’t been fully trusting Him and it was producing nothing but stench and worms.
What Happened Next
Fast forward several more years and a roller-coaster of uncertainty. This baby never was taken from us and we finally were able to adopt him.
What if I had continued denying him the full flow of my love during the time he needed it most? What a tragedy that would have been. For both of us.
Whether he had left us or not, the lost joy would have been a sore regret.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s my natural default to worry and beg God to fix things in advance, but I try to catch myself and remember one word. Mana.
A FEW MORE THOUGHTS
God’s word makes it clear we are not to worry. He reminds us to be as the lilies of the field, without a care. That’s great advise but HOW does one stop worrying? I believe the scripture below gives us the answer!
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
To me this means to replace worrying with telling God our worries, then laying them it t at His feet and walking away.
The next step is just as crucial. To actually to LIVE in thanksgiving for present blessings. When I’m really spiraling, I make a written list of what I’m thankful for. This combination has never failed me. This is how God guards my heart and mind.